new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
