How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
