It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Randomize
