I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
