Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
