You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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