I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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