We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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