I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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