Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
