Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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