I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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