I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
