we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
