Apparently you make a good broom.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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