I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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