I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
