I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
