Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
