my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
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