Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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