Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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