your parents love me but you hate me
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
