all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
