At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
