Who wears a wallet chain?!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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