my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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