Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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