yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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