mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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