I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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