hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
