I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish life had little blips of pornography
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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