so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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