Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
