If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
