i don't like sucking hair
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
