dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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