my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
