Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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