can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
