Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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