I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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