I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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