you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
