if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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