My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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