i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
