i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
