Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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