I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
