3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
