Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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