come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
